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:: December 12, 2007 Six Months
Otto is six months old today! To commemorate, here is my labor and birth story that I never did get around to sharing. Warning: non-pithiness, gore, and the "v" word inside.
----- Even before the due date (June 3) we scheduled an induction date, and I wanted the last possible date the OB would allow, which would have been the 15th (nearly two weeks past the due date). I remember her telling me that's what she would do herself. With inductions you have a much higher chance of a c-section, and you are required to be hooked up to a fetal monitor, which restricts your movement to basically nothing. They didn't require an IV but did require the shunt. But I was very confident I would go into spontaneous labor before the induction date. I know some people beg for inductions, but I wasn't in any hurry. Except for the swollen feet I wasn't too uncomfortable. The due date flew by, and I went to the OB twice the next week. The first appointment they told me, "we have your induction set for Tuesday the 12th." Wha?!? They cited scheduling issues with the original date. On Friday I came back for the non-stress test and an ultrasound. Everything was fine, and Otto was measuring about nine and a half pounds. All I could think about was one of my co-workers who had just given birth -- her baby also measured 9+ pounds but came out one pound lighter than that. I didn't appreciate the difference between a big baby, a small baby, and a normal baby anyway. I thought, well, big is big, it's going to hurt whether he's 8 or 9 or 10 pounds. They still thought I would go into labor over the weekend -- I was already 2cm dilated -- and I was counting on it, but of course nothing happened. On Monday I was freaking out about being induced. I wanted to avoid being hooked up to all the apparati so I could at least *try* moving around or going in the shower or tub to manage pain. I also understood that induced labor is more painful, and overall I felt kinda put on the medical assembly line. So I tried to talk the OB to pushing the date back. She was pretty adamant that I be induced the next day considering what he was measuring, so I finally, reluctantly, agreed. My friend Beth came over with one of her beautiful twins -- this reminded me what the end results were going to be and it calmed me down. We packed up Monday night, and recorded some nervous video. We drove in Tuesday morning at 5:30am. They took us to our room, which was very nice and roomy but ironically the only room with a bathtub, which I wouldn't get a chance to use. They hooked me up to the IV, pitocin drip, and the monitors. The parents trickled in. I watched the contractions on the monitor. I didn't feel anything much for about 5-6 hours as the dose was gradually increased. It was all fine except I was gradually getting more annoyed by trying to maneuver around the room with all the wires hooked up to me. We watched some episodes of The Match Game on DVD (Charles Nelson Reilly R.I.P.). I requested that the anesthesiologist come in for a debriefing before I became irrational with pain. I asked about the "walking epidural," no dice. I requested that if I get an epidural, to turn it down at pushing time so I could feel things enough to know what I was doing. That was doable. The OB said she was going to wait till I was 7-8cm to break the water, but then for some reason (medical assembly line, probably) she decided to break it after her lunchtime, around 1:30. I was only around 3cm at that point. Shortly before that I started actually feeling the contractions, but they were very manageable. When the OB came in she told me to get up and go to the bathroom first. When I did, I had some drips running down my leg and I said, "hey I'm incontinent!" But it was my water breaking. I got up on the bed to be examined: GUSH. That was totally wild, I was laughing through it. You really feel like a river is running out of you. And the gush lasts a LOT longer than you expect. The nurses were all saying I would laugh my way through labor, and I felt very confident. I was back up alternating between the birthing ball and rocking chair, when whoomp, the pain started coming on gangbusters. At first I listened to some music and cried, Bryan was rubbing my back like crazy. I sent him off to microwave the rice sock even though was scared to have contractions all by myself. Bryan and the rice came back. His massaging, the sock wedged under my belly, and rocking furiously provided some level of relief for a little bit. I tried to get on my hands and knees but the nurse came running in the room, saying that position screwed up the monitors. Shit. The contractions were coming regularly now with only ONE MINUTE of rest in between. I couldn't get my bearings before the next one came on. I had wanted to labor as long as I could before getting an epidural, but the contractions were so powerful. So, so powerful. There was just no "managing" possible, they were just overwhelming. If they could bottle that pain it would be a very effective torture device. And that is a cliche for a reason. It was at once indescribable and exactly what I expected. I don't know how long this went on before I asked for the epidural, it was definitely less time than I had wanted, so I felt like a big ol wimp. They dump a whole IV bag into you before you get shot up, which takes about half an hour. During that time I was panting fast and hard through the contractions, which felt just as bad as the pain itself. I thought I would pass out. I spent those tiny little rest periods terrified and whimpering. Then during the contractions I was moaning and screaming and swearing and punching poor Bryan so hard that I was hurting him. So I was extremely irrational when the anesthesiologist came back. I don't have the needle fear that a lot of people do, so that wasn't an issue. He witnessed a contraction or two and remarked on "feeling my pain." I was insisting that there was no way I could stay still during a contraction and can't you please get all the business done during a break. It all went quickly and easily, and the pain diminished back to nothing through the next three or so contractions. When it went in it was like cold sunshine spreading through my lower half. I didn't enjoy the numbness in my legs but I wasn't freaked out by it or anything. I rested in the bed for a few hours, tried to sleep but couldn't. I was shaking (even though you don't feel it, thank you modern medicine, your body is doing really intense work and the shaking is caused by that My mom came back in. I guess a nurse had been rude to her, 1. telling her she couldn't stand outside my room and 2. refusing to update her on my status because of HIPAA. The same nurse told me my mom was upset, and when that info got back to my mom, she got really upset and wanted to report the nurse to the supervisor. I was trying to talk her down, telling her that the nurses are awesome and please don't do anything that would set them against me. But come on. You'd figure labor & delivery nurses would be more adept at handling emotional family members, and you'd figure that they'd have the patients SIGN A RELEASE AHEAD OF TIME so that family can be updated. This was one nurse (or intern, who knows) on an otherwise wonderful staff, and this nurse apologized later. I felt bad that my mom was upset, but (and this is horrible) I was also thinking that maybe this would end up being the biggest problem of the day, and feeling relieved! I progressed quickly and somewhere close to 6pm I was ready to push. Bryan is diabetic and at that time he was eating on a strict schedule. So during my first few pushes, he had my leg in one hand and a sandwich in the other. It was hilarious and again the nurses told me I was going to laugh my way through the labor. Otto was moving down pretty quickly. They told me they could see the head and that he had hair. I was very happy and excited that it all seemed to be moving along. It is pretty weird and out-of-body to find yourself doing this thing that you've rehearsed in your head a million times and seen in the media another billion times. A half hour stretched into an hour ... Otto wasn't getting any closer. The very deflating and frustrating labor coaching began. They would tell me to "push the same way you did before" and I would think that I was doing just that but apparently I wasn't. They were contorting me into all sorts of positions to try to make pushing more effective. You mostly don't care about the dignity loss, being an anesthetized lump, mostly naked and splayed about, but I certainly didn't enjoy it. I was starting to feel like a failure at this whole thing. I knew the slow progress was at least partially due to the epidural so there was guilt mixing in there too. They did turn the epidural down so I could get some feeling back, and maybe I could have told them to turn it off altogether but the memory of the pain was still fresh and I was still terrified of it. They told me that he was getting closer, and Bryan said he could see the head. I thought this meant that Otto was crowning. The OB brought out the mirror to give me visual feedback, but it was the opposite of encouraging. There was just the littlest sliver of head at the peak of my contractions. I was totally exhausted by this point, and all the pushing had given me the most severe heartburn. It's very odd to be screaming for Tums during labor! I was also horrified by my thigh-cellulite and the horrible things that seemed to be pushing out of my back-end. I knew that this was counterproductive thinking and I should have ordered the mirror away but I thought maybe it might start being helpful at some point. The OB told me that babies tend to stop tolerating pushing at around three hours and that in a little while we would need to get him out by forceps or c-section. I must have looked so sad and horrified because she asked me what she could say to make me believe that was not a threat, but something to motivate me to focus and find a new wind. I tried to believe her! But I was half unable to push anymore and half utterly defeated and just. wanted. him. OUT. and didn't care how it happened. The crowd started gathering and everyone started putting on the surgical caps and masks. I thought this meant I was going in for a c-section. But they told me I was pushing really well now and that he's coming but could they help him along with forceps? I said -- screamed? -- yes PLEASE. I thought I knew what was involved with forceps but never considered how it might feel. I had always envisioned the moment of birth as a beautiful, relieving, easy sliding-out and never imagined it could be any other way. Unfortunately for me, with the forceps it felt like my hipbone was being pried out through my vagina. Pretty awful. I don't want to imagine how that would feel WITHOUT an epidural! Bryan reports that he heard the forceps action, if that gives you any indication. It took a couple contractions + yanking before Otto was born. But then he was here and they handed Otto up to me and he had his arms out toward me and his eyes open. I will never forget that. There must have been lots of shouting and squealing but that's all I remember. Here was my baby. He was beautiful and looked both nothing and everything like I thought he would. I held him. The gore you see all over newborn babies is surprisingly sticky. Then he was away for all that examining etc., which I didn't want, but was too much in shock to care or protest. He was born, he was alive, he was out, oh my god he's HERE! It was 8:30-something, so I had been in the hospital for 15 hours. Even though labor technically started at 6 I would say it really got rolling at 1, so I'd say I labored for 7 1/2 hours. During Otto's cleanup and examinations they sewed me up. I had a monster tear. Otto weighed nine pounds, six ounces with one of the biggest head circumferences my OB had seen born vaginally. They handed him to me all wrapped up in his blanket, and I think the first thing I said to him after "Hi oh my god hi" was "what was your APGAR score?" I hope this doesn't set a precedent of me being score-focused, but nobody had told me anything about his status (or they had while I was off in shock-land). After my, uh, surgery, and some baby awe and awkward breastfeeding, my parents and in-laws got to come in to see him. Bryan had taken some digital pictures and went out to show them before they were allowed in. It was really wonderful. We revealed to my dad that Otto's middle name was Robert (my dad's first name). My mom was a big ball of happy and tears. She had been SO worried about me, and her happiness helped bring me back to reality. Everyone was cooing, my father-in-law was hanging back and filming. There is a lovely part of the video with me gnawing blank-faced on some food, saying "THAT'S THE HARDEST THING I'VE EVER DONE." Then they handed Otto back to me, dressed in two hospital-issue long-sleeved shirts (one turned upside-down for pants) and his little hat. So great. The next day the OB told me that yeah I had a little trouble pushing, but mostly I just had a huge baby that got stuck. All these six months I have mourned a little bit for not being more mentally/emotionally present when he was finally born, but in writing this, I'm realizing it's OK. All told my labor and birth actually went very well. There are better births, sure, but there are far, far worse experiences too so I have no complaints. And as most of my mother friends said, "It's not how you get them out, it's what you do afterwards." There is such a monumental buildup to labor your first time around, and I knew it was better not to have any expectations but you can't help having a few unconsciously, and you can't help thinking "I should have done X, Y, Z". But everything about labor is quickly and powerfully overshadowed by this new baby in your life, the cartoon hearts bursting out and fluttering around your head, the sleep-deprivation/hormone-induced dementia. The physical recovery I went through would be a major setback in normal life but at the time just felt like a drop in the bucket. A few postscripts about the postpartum recovery, because nobody told me anything about this stage, and I was mentally unprepared for it! In addition to the copious postpartum bleeding, I was completely numb and severely swollen for weeks. I didn't want to touch anything so this stuff called epifoam (hydrocortisone foam) was my best friend. The Boppy pillow made a great pillow to sit on, the hospital provided a hard foam toilet seat-shaped pillow which was too hard, as was the blow-up one they recommended we buy. Going to the bathroom the first couple weeks took a LONG time, between sitz baths and piling my underwear up with clean padding and medications. At my six-week postpartum appointment my stitches had dissolved and my doctor-ordered vaginal rest (that is, no sex or tampons) was lifted, but it was at least a few weeks more that the numbness subsided enough to venture down there for any reason whatsoever. I don't want to leave you with that image, so here are some better ones.
Comments I really enjoyed your story (even though I never, ever want to go through that)! Otto is way cute. Posted by Dixie on December 12, 2007 2:14 PM I too enjoyed your story. Thank you for sharing. Otto looks like he's having a fun time in your pictures. Enjoy your happy and healthy baby! Posted by loriz on December 12, 2007 2:47 PM Thanks for sharing your story. Posted by Nancy Cook on December 12, 2007 3:42 PM thank you for sharing! i, too, enjoy your story. and you remember details a lot more than i do! and, yeah, someone should've told us about the postpartum recovery, because it was the toughest time for me... movies and books always have it all easy and wonderful after the baby was born. Posted by thalia on December 13, 2007 7:13 AM Wow. Congratulations on what you achieved. It's so true that the labor is quickly overshadowed by everything that follows, and that it doesn't matter how prepared you think you are- there are some things like head size) that are beyond your control, and in the end, all that matters is that they are born as safely as possible. So true that nobody really tells you anything about the recovery afterwards! Posted by di on December 13, 2007 1:30 PM Ok, I love birth stories so thanks for sharing yours. Is that weird? Anyway, I never got around to writing mine but it is similar to yours except I didn't have the induction to start it off nor the big baby. I had a little baby but she got really stuck on her way out. Epidural, threats about c-section if I didn't get to pushing etc :) And I'm totally with you on the recovery being worse than people let on. That was a sucky 6 weeks and several more months before the pain completely subsided. Anyway, enough commenting, Otto is darling :) Glad you are both doing so well! Posted by Melissa H on December 13, 2007 4:38 PM Great Story. I had a very similar experience with my first born (now 2 1/2). He was 9 lbs. 10 ounces. HUGE. Two nurses ended up on my stomach pushing with all of their weight......I didn't remember this being a possibility from the birthing class. My second born will be 1 tomorrow. We induced 2 weeks early and he was much more manageable. The recovery with him was nothing. I thought I was dying the first time. I kept requesting more pain medication and I really thought they were going to call DHS and report I was a drug addict. I still do not understand why they give the same amount of medication to someone who delivers a 6 lb. baby as someone who delivers a 9 lb. baby. I really ought to write out my birth story before I completely forget. Posted by Amy on December 13, 2007 9:30 PM I love a good birth story thank you for sharing yours. I had an epidural with round one and do not regret it. But I have plans to have this second baby at home. I won't have the same options. But I am praying for a much better recovery. Monster tears are so not cool. Happy six month birthday Otto! Posted by grace on December 14, 2007 9:15 PM that babe is so adorable! i always love a good birth story. i just watched my friend go through 40 hours of birth to deliver two identical girl twins... crazy. but there is so much of your story in what i watched unfolding with her. all i can say is, you gals are hard-core. happy 6months to you all and to otto. Posted by traci on December 17, 2007 1:04 PM Happy half birthday Otto! What a mammoth birth experience you had. You did a fabulous job. He is so gorgeous... Posted by Leah on December 18, 2007 5:46 PM What a beautiful story. Thanks for sharing. Posted by april on December 20, 2007 9:45 PM I'm sitting here horrified but yet tears of happiness in my eyes for you! Thank you for sharing the story - he's beautiful! Posted by Charlene on December 24, 2007 7:16 AM Thanks for sharing your story. I had twins--naturally--similar to your story with the pitocin, epidural, waiting for it to wear off so I could feel something--the surprise at the humiliating-lack of control circumstance--medical assembly line, as you say. I'm glad to hear that your reaction is similar to mine, not romantic and somewhat gritty, but beautiful none-the-less. Congratulations to you and to Otto (what a great name--I think of Giotto). Posted by Diana on December 26, 2007 12:00 PM Happy half birthday to your darling little boy! (I was totally unprepared for how scary it would be to go to the bathroom after giving birth. I thought I would faint from fear the first time.) Posted by Sarah on January 11, 2008 4:37 PM |
